february 3, 2011

since this is my first entry, i am going to start by sharing the revelations God has given me that got me to this point in my faith journey...

   right on track with the verse in John that says "we love because He first loved us" my relationship with God was going nowhere most of my life, because i didn't really believe that He loved me because i wasn't perfect. i was raised in church my whole life, but didn't realize until i was 27 years old that i am "dark but lovely," as it says in Song of Songs... in other words, my heart is beautiful to God because it wants to love Him, even when my actions are sinful. 

   yes, He absolutely expects me to keep seeking Him to struggle with the sin until i'm victorious... but His love for me was never conditional on my performance. to some this is Christianity 101, but to me it was the most life altering thing i ever learned. satan had successfully convinced me that i was rejected by God because of my sin, and in my shame, i ran from God. i had decided it was better not to be involved with Him at all than to constantly feel like a huge failure as His follower. i spent at least 90% of my first 27 years of life feeling like God was mad or disappointed in me, and so, i spent 90% of my life thus far running and hiding from God. 

   so like i said, i couldn't have loved God in any consistent way without first understanding that He actually does love me... and its not the here today, gone tomorrow kind of love that people give to each other. its real. its relentless. in fact, His pursuit of me has been so relentless my whole life, that i seriously have to wonder how i didn't figure out that He loved me sooner! regardless though, here i am now... totally loved and completely in love with Him back. and now, i want to love Him with more than songs on Sunday morning... i want to love Him with more than 10% of my pay check... i want to love Him more than classifying myself as "Christian" under religious preference on facebook. i want to learn to love Him with my whole entire being-- 

-- heart --

i want to be emotionally vulnerable with Him. i want to tell Him how i'm feeling before i tell anyone else. and i want to unleash all my affection towards Him, to be motivated by love for Him in everything i desire and do. 

-- soul --

i want to be in relationship with His indwelling Holy Spirit. i want my soul and spirit to be tuned into the Holy Spirit's leadership, love, and conviction. i want to walk in the gift of righteousness Christ gave me. 

-- strength -- 

i want to love Him with my resources... i want to use the talents and abilities He gave me to make Him famous. i want to learn to honor Him with the way i manage my time and give Him priority in my schedule. i want to give my physical strength to acts of service and justice for the Glory of His Name. 

-- mind -- 

i want to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. when i catch myself worrying, i want to stop and submit my future to Him with complete trust. i want to keep Him always in my thoughts as my magnificent obsession and my holy daydream. i want to honor Him by submitting my mind to Him, and refusing to let lustful, angry, covetous thoughts creep in and poison His temple in my mind. 

the only road i can take to my destination is total surrender to His grace and power... that's something that has terrified me my entire life. but then He showed me that His banner >> His leadership over me, is LOVE.